I haven't written here in a long time...mostly because I really didn't have much to say...but believe it or not I have been called back into duty by people who asked me why I have stopped...well...that was just the nice ego massage a narcissist like me needed to get going again.
Then again...the new year all the things associated with it would have eventually pulled me back to this blog...add a new President and I am sure I would have written. So today on the eve of Obama's inauguration I put fingers to keys and knock out a little missive.
The retrospective nature of the new year has long since passed me...maybe i am too old, too cynical, too much of an asshole...or all of the above...but i never make new year’s resolutions because to me it seems as stupid as people who wait until Monday to start a diet...if you want to do something...if it is burning inside of you...why wait? Can be so important if you are willing to put it off to some arbitrary date? No, none of that New Year resolution shit means anything to me.
...but recently life has presented me...or presented to me yet again...i should say...something that I still struggle with understanding...old wounds...over the course of my life I have done things that I am not proud of, things that I would not do again...most of those have been safely tucked away...resolved if you will. Today though I sit in a strange position...one that I can't seem to shake...face with two situations that have symmetry. On one side someone who cannot forgive and move on...and on the other someone who cannot forgive and move on...the first one is aimed at me...the second is me. The first story is long, tired and old...full of acrimony, derision, anger...and now mostly stupidity. Years ago I was able to come to a realization...that the situation wasn't anyone's fault...it was the nature of the situation that was bad...it wasn't me, it wasn't them...it was the it...the relationship itself...yes we both did reprehensible things...and neither one of us had the good sense to just walk away...we were two damaged people who because of our own failings couldn't or didn't want to stop. In the end it was just two people who weren't meant to meet...and today i find myself wishing we never met for one reason...that maybe if we didn't add to each others baggage it might help us find the person we are truly meant to be with...if there is such a person out there that is...I learned that the only reality i know...that we all know...is shaped by our perspective...my perspective may be different from theirs...i just see us as two people who tried to make something that should have never started, and never would have worked...work...and in the course of that futile attempt we hurt each other every way possible...and i don't think that makes us bad people...it just made us crazy from the insanity of it all. desperate broken people in a desperate broken situation...that's it...anyway...i let go of all that shit a long time ago and I have never looked back...and i have never been happier...but these two circumstances made me think about it.
...the second one is me...a long time ago i was asked to do something for someone...something nice...something i wanted to do...to protect the guilty and the stupid i will cut the details and just say that our perspectives...our realities...were vastly different...i didn't feel...and others who were there didn't feel...that i did anything wrong...in fact...just the opposite...they on the other hand had a different reality and in that reality they felt that I had wronged them in some way...well...initially in my all too brilliant and all too familiar way i just said fuck it...who cares...fuck them and fuck them again...i don't care...i sent a simple message saying that this was me and if they thought that i would intentionally hurt them then i was glad we would not be friends anymore...i was genuinely hurt by their low opinion...years went by and i missed my friend...so i sent an email congratulating a special event of theirs...and i got no response...so i let it go...i believed the line in Hoffa that if someone feels you slighted them they will hate you forever...recently...very recently...one of them reached out...it was clumsy...it was arrogant and it was a little ridiculous and selfish...but they reached out...they made the effort when they didn't have to...so now i am in position to think about what it is that i want to do. because i am still a brilliant idiot...my first reaction and a large part of me is fuck you...where is the humility...where is even the acknowledgement that there was even a problem...where was the basic, simple "how are you?". It is the easiest way...it has been a lot of years and i could just walk away with a relatively clean conscience...my blameless perception being my spotless reality. Some would argue that the more mature thing is to respond to their email...maybe address my issues...or at least start a dialogue...see where that leads...in the past it has led to wildly mixed results...but this time their sin wasn't so grievous to me that I should shut them out forever...or was it...how much could they think of me if something innocuous could lead to such a long term break... especially after all that i had done for them...and part of me feels like when they got what they wanted they dumped me...and now they want something else...also...learning from my first situation i must ask myself when is the right time to say when and back away...or stay away...truthfully I am torn and I have no idea what to do.
i had no idea what I was going to write...i probably should stop because i can’t be less than honest when i type..
On a lighter note...New Years was great, the 156th edition of White Trash Xmas Eve was amazing beyond belief...and life has been moving along just fine...
Tomorrow I will watch Obama become sworn in, and I will be praying that this country will recover, that we will all be better off 3 months, 6 months, a year from now.
I wish nothing but the best for all of you who read this.
“Non Omnis Moriar” (“I shall not completely die”).
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