The Gain of Loss

I usually start these stupid glimpses into my stupid mind with a topic...today is more of the same. It is interesting when you keep your eyes open for patterns you will find them...if they are there or not...but if you look...you will see them...real or not. This week I was constantly reminded of the idea of loss and gain, gain and loss, the gain of loss and the loss of all we have gained. I imagine that most weeks of most peoples lives the same theme runs through their day to day experiences. Sometimes we notice if they are big enough...Katrina...or if they are personal enough. I am not sure what initially brought it to my attention...or if it is every truly far my conscious thoughts. I know that it is something that intrigues me.

I am not sure if I listed all of the experiences, stories, and thoughts of loss and gain it would make much sense to anyone else...but I will highlight just a few. In the last few weeks I gained a job...lost a place to live...probably lost a friend...gained perspective and gained some much needed independence. I have watched someone gain someone...but lost their identity and lost all of the things that ones mattered to them. I saw someone lose something very valuable to them, and I watched a few people gain a second chance...a lifeline in these hard times. I heard someone lose they trusted...I heard someone lose a piece of their soul...I heard them not care.

Everywhere around me for the last few weeks it has been the living breathing zero sum game. Maybe I was sensitive to it because I was in a position of several large losses recently...and several very large gains. The general ups and downs of life exaggerated for someone as thick as I am. There is a loss way to look at this and a gain way to think of this...the loss way is to be frustrated at the constant up and down of life...the moment you find equilibrium life comes and fucks it all up. The gain way is to think that there is a natural balancing act in life...as bad as it can be...as difficult as times may get...there is that equilibrium that comes...the good times come back...loss can be a gain...loss allows for other types of gains...life eventually rights itself...it may take time...it may not right itself the way you want or when you want...but that is the beauty. The unexpected direction life takes...new avenues...new people...new thoughts...new moments...none of this is original or even much different than some things I have written previously...it is just on my mind. It makes me think of Candide...


Random Ramblings...

- I am constantly impressed with someone who has a complete expertise in a subject. Someone who can identify real art from forgeries...detect different types of woods on sight...appraise antiques...restore books...identify different types of plants...etc. To be an expert, truly and expert in one field, to have that kind of knowledge impresses me.

- Albuquerque looks like a good town...very colorful at night...which surprised me. If I knew that we would have spent the night on our trek west....which brings me to something...

- I want to say once and for all I hate the fucking USA network. Every fucking show is exactly the fucking same with exactly the same fucking characters. Every show is a seriocomedy. Every show has some quarky lead character and their equally quarky supporting cast. The shows are light on story, all wrap up in the last 5 minutes and take no fucking brain power to figure out. Some exec at USA is a huge Agatha Christie fan...because that is what these shows pattern themselves after. The most frustrating show is Burn Notice...it has such a great fucking premise...the only premise of a TV show I wish I thought of...but it is done in such a PG way that it waters down any potential drama or intrigue the script my try to create...albeit in a childish way. If Burn Notice was on FX it would be the best fucking show on TV...but USA is content making a bunch of shows that are too immature to appeal to adults and too adult to appeal to kids. I just can't figure out who they are marketing these shows to...and the worst is In Plain Sight. Train wreck.

- To go along with my new job...I have decided...well...it was kind of decided for me...sort of...kind of...to move into a place on my own...something I am very, very excited about. I have only lived by myself for one year in Australia...and even then I had a...well...part time roommate for about 6 of those months. I am sure this is going to be good for me. I need my own place, start accumulating furniture...and stop living two steps above a college student...even though I like living this way. Still, moving on my own is a good thing...a very good thing. this plan could change...but I highly doubt it. Lost a roommate...gained some independence...and that can never be a bad thing.

- Spain...glorious Spain...home of the long lunch and the longer party...has won the Euro 2008 and I would like to say...and Babbles McPigman, Ex-CPO can verify...I called them as the winner from virtually the beginning. You will read it here first...Spain will win the World Cup. Great young team and they have more people than they can even put on the squad. Fast, young, and full of energy...if they play with confidence no one can beat them.

- This year...after winning the Fantasy Football league as a co-GM...and the architect of the championship season...I am again...again...branching out on my own. Lost a GM...gained freedom. I am also holding tough in my Fantasy Baseball...I am in the money...but now I lost two guys to the DL in two days and one more might be going on it soon.

One day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful. - Sigmund Freud

The Return of the Mediocre

Last night, for the first time in months, I sat down to write...and I can't tell you how much better I feel...but it got me to thinking.

When i first started writing these books I wrote because i had a burning desire....something that could not be stopped. It was like knowing you need to pull the bullet lodged in your chest out as soon as possible...if not you would die. It hurt like hell, it was enough to make you laugh at the absurdity and cry at the pain...still...the whole time...the WHOLE time...you knew it needed to be done, you knew it would all be better when it was over.

Then i went through a terrible period where the pressure of prospective publishing, the dire specter of no one reading my magnificent masterpiece...boy those were some deluded times...really sucked every bit of joy I had out the process itself. One that I had come to love...and ultimately...need.

I then drug myself through the horrible...horrible is such an understatement...process of editing. Editing. To those of you who edit...I salute you. It is an art that my puny brain cannot comprehend. I am lost, totally lost in that world. I have written enough on that topic.

I finally slapped myself silly and got a grip on reality. Publishing no longer mattered, and book 4 became a great joy...not the same as the first three...I don't know if I can go back to that purity again...but I really find comfort in the act of writing.

Then...and I am not sure why it has now become an extension of my mental state and I fucking hate it. I can't understand how the hell it happened...and I hate it. I lock up sometimes, and I am not sure why. Well, I don't like it. I am not accepting it. I am going to write more, especially when I don't feel like i want to...because last night was a great release for me. I stayed up until 4am...and I could have gone on all night.

I do know how book 4 will end, and I think I have the outline for the last book...thank God!

To things more interesting:

- The Lookout. I saw it again and if you haven't seen it...it is a fucking good movie. Unexpectedly so.
- I saw Little Miss Sunshine again...for those of you who have seen it...I still laugh harder at Olive's routine than any one scene I have ever seen.
- Arsenal is in a major state of flux...it all looks looks good, but who knows. Ramsay signed today, and Nasari will sign after Euro 2008.
- The Las Vegas heat is coming. 105 today. That isn't too hot...but it means that 115 is coming soon. The bad part is that I can't go hiking until September or October. Shit, you can't do much when it is 115.
- I will be moving at the end of July into my friends condo. A upgrade from this place. This place looked nice, the price was right...and I swear to God they bait and switched us. There is no way this apartment was the one they showed us. Fuckers. Plus, every asshole in Clark County has moved in right near our apartment.
- Crest Pro Health...the best.
- Who the fuck can vote for McCain after the George Bush bullshit he preaches??

- 4.50 a gallon of gas. We could built the nuclear bomb from theory in less than 20 years...but we can't build a car that doesn't run on gas?? Bullshit. At this point getting off of foreign oil isn't just good sense...it is a matter of national security. If you want look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Motors_EV1 and watch "Who Killed The Electric Car." It will make you sick. The bottom part of the Wikipedia page has a great review of the movie and the debate over what happened. It is sad to see that the people have no power anymore. I am not some eco nut, i don't belong or support PETA, I believe in big business...but I also believe that corruption is so ingraned in the USA that it is sick. Think of this...if all of the oil companies are making record profit, and prices are soaring...and people are pissed...you are telling me that one company would cut their prices 50 cents a gallon, make half the profit...but gain a HUGE percentage of the market share and sell more gas...maybe put his competitors out of business. I am the first one to think of this?? No...it is corporate price collusion. They are gouging us, during war time...which I thought was treason? I guess it is only treason is a small business person does it...not an entire industry.

Oh well....welcome to Oblivion...strap in, turn on MTV, distract your mind and enjoy the ride...


It is good to dream, but it is better to dream and work. Faith is mighty, but action with faith is mightier. - Thomas Robert Gaines