After several inquiries to why i have been silent recently...I figured I will type something...it could be two sentences it could be the insane ramblings of an insane rambler...but here we go...and for some reason I am listening to Skid Row's Slave To The Grind...what the fuck...
that has to tell you that my life is in a weird place full of self-flagellation, mediocrity and the lack of desire for anything of quality...
anyway...

There is a lot i want to say, that i am screaming to say...but i know that if i get into it I won't really explain my situation so it will be a really lame...more lame than most...series of veiled references and innuendos that I won't explain anytime soon...so I will just avoid it all...

I will just list the mundane and call it a night...

after last nights...fuck it...i have nothing to say.I have always prided myself on being brutally...if not pathetically honest in this thing, i use it as a cathartic experience...and since i only write these for friends now I feel like i can say more than normal...but not this time.

I will just leave it at this...everything in my life is at a complete and total standstill. I can't write. I can't think straight. The pressure is starting to build and i don't have any way to really release it. Writing has been it but I am so fucking pissed, frustrated...pained...that I just can't let myself open up because I know once i do i am going to fucking really let loose...and i would rather just stay closed off and rational right now. It seems better than artistic...which gets me...in the great tradition of shitty no talent artist types...into really really stupid trouble. If i can just keep everything bottled up inside i will be be able to keep reliving every fucking moment until finally some clarity...or explosive psychosis...takes place. When i start to write i start to open up and when i open up...it isn't always good. This way i can just hold it in and hope for the best.

I doubt i will ever explain any of this...but whatever...life sucks and everyone has their own shit. I don't think you will feel incomplete without it...

indurate \IN-dur-it; -dyur-\, adjective:

1. Physically or morally hardened; unfeeling; stubborn.
2. To make hard; to harden.
3. To harden against; to make hardy; to habituate.
4. To make hardened; to make callous or stubborn.
5. To establish; to fix firmly.
6. To grow hard; to harden.
7. To become established or fixed.

It's important to have in mind that evil is essential to the order of the world and the birth of the good. - Voltaire