It has been strange recently for me. I have had some very nice and thoughtful comments thrown my way...which can only prove one of two things.
1) I only know idiots.
2) The world as we know it is coming to an end...and soon the rise of apes will finally be upon us. Something I have been predicting since a small child. (not really, but when they do take over I am hoping for a cushy job enslaving my fellow humans.)
Three people in the last 2 weeks have commented on how well I know myself. What a "strong sense of self" I possess. I sat down to write a typically dry, cynical, borderline caustic bunch of bullshit that would only serve to make me feel better by being self-deprecating. None of it would be particularly true, it would just pull from my inherent negativity. To those people I say thank you, I really appreciate the compliment, and if it was meant that way or not, that is how I am taking it.
I am not sure how much I know myself, I guess as much as anyone else. I know what I want and what I don't want...but that isn't the part that interests me today...or how I have come to be this way...or how depending on the person and the situation my (like anyone else) opinions can be principled, conscientious, and determined...or...if you disagree...stubborn, intractable, or contumacious....those topics are fun and worth writing...but not today.
What is interesting I think about truly knowing yourself...for as much as it is possible to know one's self...is the feelings often associated with understanding. You think that when you get to know yourself, someone else, and/or your surroundings that it will fill you with a sense of peace. Happiness. Contentment. Why not? Reaching a level of understanding should bring out a sense of pride, of accomplishment, of well-being. It doesn't. Or I guess I should say it hasn't. When you know what you want, when you know what will fulfill you, bring you contentment...and it hasn't happened, can't happen or just plain old won't happen...despair...anomie...restlessness...despondency. That knowledge, that understanding now is the root of all pain. You begin to ask...is it better that I don't know what I need? Would ignorance truly be bliss? I am sure that a lack of the fundamental understanding it takes to truly be cognizant of your surroundings can be disconcerting...always feeling like there is more...but what...could be maddening...or maybe being so alienated from thoughts, feelings and basic understanding of self would prevent someone from even feeling like there is more. Isn't that truly bliss...having no ability to comprehend any anything past the immediate desire. Now of course this is self-destructive any only going to lead to immense problems down the line...but they don't know that...they can't see it...they don't understand. They don't even know that there is more. (If there truly is more, but that is another discussion.)
Or what about those passive-aggressive people who KNOW what is that they want, but cannot or will not express it. They hear what they want to say, but it never comes out. It is blocked. It is stuck somewhere in their deep, deep, deep seeded psychosis. The manifestation of their inability to describe what they need is the epitome of sickness. Their petty ways, their insincere words and deeds vibrate so loudly in their soul that Helen Keller laughs at how easy it is to see. These men and women are the warped of the warped. They have the understanding of what they want to say...so much so that they just want to scream it at the top of their lungs...but they don't. They stifle their words and feelings...often times because of an overbearing parental figure...usually their mother...made it impossible for them to speak. Impossible for them to express any feeling that could even remotely be considered negative or different. Heaven forbid what they have to say is confrontational or could spark a response less than pleasant. Emotionally mute from fear. Horrible.
I know full well that...and this may be a surprise...that I talk to much, write too much and feel the need to open that emotional release valve and let it out...but I would rather live too much than not live enough...and running away from what is inside of you is the hallmark of existing...and existing ain't fucking living.
Second, people have actually been very complimentary of this blog...more so in the last few weeks, and I must say thank you. I very rarely go back and read it, but I must admit I am entertained...but then again I am easily amused.
I would like to share an honest personal observation. I, for as long as I can remember, have liked politics. I like reading about it, always voted when I felt like it, watched debates, read articles and followed the candidates. As bad as it got, I embraced the horror like a good citizen...but I just can't do it this year....or last...or the one before this one. LV is easy...vote for Goodman and everything else falls into place. On a national level it is much more complicated, and it seems as if the worst of humanity are now politicians, lawyers and in the insurance industry. It is just too sad to watch. Lady Liberty getting gang raped by CEO's, Special Interest Groups, and the economic top 1% isn't my idea of fun. I would rather watch a corpse rot while listening to Milli Vanilli and having elective limb amputation with a rusty saw.
Random Thoughts:
I have hit a serious snag in my writing and I am completely fucking blocked. I can't get out of it. I have alot on my mind right now, shit I would rather not type until later...it would be too reactionary and convoluted if I try to explain it now. I will just say that I am standing at a crossroads...where i have to get serious about a career I don't hate but don't want...joining the billions of meat puppets...and stop concentrating so much on my dreams...or keep one foot in both worlds not really giving enough time to excel in either. Whatever.
I saw the movie The Jacket...very good. I am sure most of you have seen it, but if not...it is very good Hitchcockian type macabre thriller. Far from perfect, but the performances are amazing.
HDTV - Makes regualr TV's look like the black and white tv I won in 6th grade for selling spices...yes you read that last part right...fuck you.
Muse's album is good, but the song Starlight is fucking awesome.
Liddel lost in 1:53. Predictable, but shitty.
I will leave you with a quote...finally something worth reading...and very apropos:
O madness amorous! O trembling!
O to escape utterly from others’ anchors and holds!
To drive free! To love free! To dash reckless and dangerous!
To court destruction with taunts—with invitations! – Walt Whitman
