I haven't written here in a long time...mostly because I really didn't have much to say...but believe it or not I have been called back into duty by people who asked me why I have stopped...well...that was just the nice ego massage a narcissist like me needed to get going again.
Then again...the new year all the things associated with it would have eventually pulled me back to this blog...add a new President and I am sure I would have written. So today on the eve of Obama's inauguration I put fingers to keys and knock out a little missive.
The retrospective nature of the new year has long since passed me...maybe i am too old, too cynical, too much of an asshole...or all of the above...but i never make new year’s resolutions because to me it seems as stupid as people who wait until Monday to start a diet...if you want to do something...if it is burning inside of you...why wait? Can be so important if you are willing to put it off to some arbitrary date? No, none of that New Year resolution shit means anything to me.
...but recently life has presented me...or presented to me yet again...i should say...something that I still struggle with understanding...old wounds...over the course of my life I have done things that I am not proud of, things that I would not do again...most of those have been safely tucked away...resolved if you will. Today though I sit in a strange position...one that I can't seem to shake...face with two situations that have symmetry. On one side someone who cannot forgive and move on...and on the other someone who cannot forgive and move on...the first one is aimed at me...the second is me. The first story is long, tired and old...full of acrimony, derision, anger...and now mostly stupidity. Years ago I was able to come to a realization...that the situation wasn't anyone's fault...it was the nature of the situation that was bad...it wasn't me, it wasn't them...it was the it...the relationship itself...yes we both did reprehensible things...and neither one of us had the good sense to just walk away...we were two damaged people who because of our own failings couldn't or didn't want to stop. In the end it was just two people who weren't meant to meet...and today i find myself wishing we never met for one reason...that maybe if we didn't add to each others baggage it might help us find the person we are truly meant to be with...if there is such a person out there that is...I learned that the only reality i know...that we all know...is shaped by our perspective...my perspective may be different from theirs...i just see us as two people who tried to make something that should have never started, and never would have worked...work...and in the course of that futile attempt we hurt each other every way possible...and i don't think that makes us bad people...it just made us crazy from the insanity of it all. desperate broken people in a desperate broken situation...that's it...anyway...i let go of all that shit a long time ago and I have never looked back...and i have never been happier...but these two circumstances made me think about it.
...the second one is me...a long time ago i was asked to do something for someone...something nice...something i wanted to do...to protect the guilty and the stupid i will cut the details and just say that our perspectives...our realities...were vastly different...i didn't feel...and others who were there didn't feel...that i did anything wrong...in fact...just the opposite...they on the other hand had a different reality and in that reality they felt that I had wronged them in some way...well...initially in my all too brilliant and all too familiar way i just said fuck it...who cares...fuck them and fuck them again...i don't care...i sent a simple message saying that this was me and if they thought that i would intentionally hurt them then i was glad we would not be friends anymore...i was genuinely hurt by their low opinion...years went by and i missed my friend...so i sent an email congratulating a special event of theirs...and i got no response...so i let it go...i believed the line in Hoffa that if someone feels you slighted them they will hate you forever...recently...very recently...one of them reached out...it was clumsy...it was arrogant and it was a little ridiculous and selfish...but they reached out...they made the effort when they didn't have to...so now i am in position to think about what it is that i want to do. because i am still a brilliant idiot...my first reaction and a large part of me is fuck you...where is the humility...where is even the acknowledgement that there was even a problem...where was the basic, simple "how are you?". It is the easiest way...it has been a lot of years and i could just walk away with a relatively clean conscience...my blameless perception being my spotless reality. Some would argue that the more mature thing is to respond to their email...maybe address my issues...or at least start a dialogue...see where that leads...in the past it has led to wildly mixed results...but this time their sin wasn't so grievous to me that I should shut them out forever...or was it...how much could they think of me if something innocuous could lead to such a long term break... especially after all that i had done for them...and part of me feels like when they got what they wanted they dumped me...and now they want something else...also...learning from my first situation i must ask myself when is the right time to say when and back away...or stay away...truthfully I am torn and I have no idea what to do.
i had no idea what I was going to write...i probably should stop because i can’t be less than honest when i type..
On a lighter note...New Years was great, the 156th edition of White Trash Xmas Eve was amazing beyond belief...and life has been moving along just fine...
Tomorrow I will watch Obama become sworn in, and I will be praying that this country will recover, that we will all be better off 3 months, 6 months, a year from now.
I wish nothing but the best for all of you who read this.
“Non Omnis Moriar” (“I shall not completely die”).
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Salt of the Earth

Most people like to think that when things go well "all is right with the universe" or it is all "part of the plan." What happens when the great river leads us down the wrong path...when we wander into a world we should have never been a part of...a path that should have never been followed. Can fate fuck up? Can destiny be mistaken? Is it possible for God to make a mistake.

I don';t know...but I feel like there is a sign...a feeling...a reaction that clues us into the error. Perhaps we can't explain the feeling so far down that the signal is degraded to the point of near obscurity. An instinct that tells our brain that there is something not quite right...but we ignore it.

I think of my own existence...the paths, the roads...the good...the bad...the mistakes...the successes. I wonder where the moment of life that should have happened took place. I wonder if someone can be going down the right path....and meet someone who is not.

The overwhelming urge to run. The fleeting moment of panic. The split second of uncertainty. The nearly undetectable flash of trepidation. So easily put out of our minds, so easily ignored, so easily overlooked, so easily forgotten.

Unfortunately, the butterfly effect takes over...that feeling intensifies..it overwhelms...in seconds, minutes, hours, days, months...but it gets lost in the seas of emotions surrounding the inadvertent travel...the bricks of emotion...of circumstances...of events...of actions...of all the results of a travel that should have never occurred.

I believe that the most painful will be the bewilderment of being on that right path...meeting that person who is not...how can one road be so right and one element be so out of place?

Decline of Western Civilization...part 10 (not political)

No...this isn't about politics...this is about the world at large...and here is my story of the decline of the civilized world...

...last night in a horrible miscalculation of responsible behavior...I decided not to go out and and tie one on...but to stay in, watch TV, rest and wake up early the next morning because i am headed out to Orlando for a few days...I set my alarm for 9am...went to bed around midnight...and woke to the sound of that infernal machine...

...got up...quick shower...cursed the morning for being so early...headed off to do my errands...some clothes shopping...but a charger for my new MP3 player...the new Zen...very good by the way...and get some snacks for the plane...

...now granted...I have not been up early and outside to do anything productive in a long time...i do awake early for soccer matches...go to the bar...or pull tubes and watch from the comfort of my own bed...but that is far from productive...it is the opposite of productive...and for that I am happy with myself all day...my immaturity fills me with a sense of purpose...the purpose of having no purpose...but I digress...

...so I go out to tj maxx...i need shorts...not paying 50 bucks...i want to pay 20...well...i get there at 9:27...and guess what...it's closed until 10am...so curse TJ Maxx...wish harm on his family and that his first child is a masculine child...and a girl....

...dive to Burlington Coat Factory...a surprisingly good store with good deals...THE FUCKING PLACE IS CLOSED AND OPENS AT 10AM...WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!

...so I stop screaming at a Filipino woman long enough to smash a homeless man begging for change, kick a puppy and swear to God Almighty I will one day club a baby seal for this outrage...

...I drive off in a huff and go to Circuit City to buy the charger for my snazzy new MP3/Video player...and...you got it...IT OPENS AT MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING ASS RAPING POUR SUGAR IN A NUN'S GAS TANK 10am!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?????

...I am livid...despite it being 9:54 I decide that I am going to drive my car headlong into a bus full of special needs kids...fuck 'em...life is hard...deal with the horror...embrace the horror...thankfully that bus driver had a mild case of doan syndrome and was able to swear just enough where i missed him but ran over a picture of a happy family playing with their Litebrite...yes...my anger transported me to 1979...fuck you.

Arriving safely back in 2008...or whatever foul year this is...I begrudgingly did my errands and went back on my way...hey...let's stop at Wal-mart...they are always open...corporate greed and the desire to keep 12 year old Thai girls off their backs and making discounted clothing will keep Wal-mart open 24 hours forever...

...i buy some stuff...one of the items is an auto epoxy...needed to fix a small hole in my coolant overflow tank...yes ladies...this face and he fixes shit too...embrace the moistness...

...when i get to the checkout line and scan the epoxy it turns out that I need wal-mart to approve of my purchase...to make sure i am not under 18...or a total blathering degenerate...good thing they don't do background checks...i ask the woman...why do i need to be approved for something as stupid as an auto puddy...well you hulking piece of manliness the kids like to use this to get high...well, thank you my pudgy admirer...but whatever happened to heroin...she laughed at my humor...she wanted it...she wanted it bad...

...sorry...I passed out for a few second and woke up in a puddle of my own vomit...last time I snort Special K and try to blog...I hope I didn't write anything weird...

...so...it all dawned on me...this fucking world is being destroyed by slackers...and not my fellow slackers...the ones who have jobs...work hard to make money to buy good drugs and do them to wretched excess on the weekends...no...these fucking idiots don't want to go to their shit jobs on the weekend before 10am...and they don't want to take the time to find some good drugs...will they not know the joys of shooting heroin...the pleasure in taking too much PCP and waking up with six strangers in a house that you have never seen before...in a town you never knew existed...three states and six days away from your starting point...will they never experience the pure unadulterated joy of finding an opium den...only to realize after a month and 1200 dollars that it was just some Chinese guys parent's basement and because you squatted so long it is now your responsibility to skin the dog for dinner? Throwing up out a moving car only to have it hit the guy in the backseat because the eight ball you just jacked up caused you to forget to roll down the window...or face the window...or tell the person to move. What will happen to these kids if they never have the thrill of getting so high on ICE that every stick of everything you own soon becomes a story that begins "Dude, I sold that..."

...these watershed moments are gone forever...and only in a shit generation where kids huff gas, abuse pills...and huff auto epoxy could Justin Timberlake be a star...could anyone give a fuck about Lindsay Lohan...or buy a cup of coffee for 6 dollars...when I was a kid...and I may be dating myself here...but I don't care...I date myself quite often...only because I am easy...not because i like me...but we had a word for people like this...jerk offs.

...now I guess I am just too old...and I am not going to fight with idiots anymore...i promised myself that after I kicked the shit out of Vin Diesel in a a parking lot of Dr. Spuddsters's Potato Bar and Laundry Mat...standing on his lumpy neck kick his head while he screamed "not the face, for the love of Satan not the face"...I said to myself...Thor...this isn't going to do any good...he is an idiot...and now you have lowered yourself to his level...and worse...he doesn't even understand his level...I let him up after a few hours...and promised myself i would change...Thor...you're doing the right thing I said to myself...

...am I? He will undoubtedly go on to torture generations with his shit movies and his inability to realize what a fucking idiot he is...

...not your problem Thor...you have more pressing issues...I do...yes...you do...repack the bowl...buy some more nitrous...and for God sake release Rico Suave...he's served his time...

...it isn't easy being magnanimous...it isn't easy...

Dark Day

In my attempt to blog about the mundane, and the pure excitement of the event...I must say...GO SEE THE DARK KNIGHT! I hate recommending movies, but this one deserves it. I can't and won't say anything that hasn't been said before, but I will give my review. Great...there you have it. It isn't your ordinary superhero movie, it has a depth, complexity and shading of characters that is not found in busllshit art house film.

There is an overarching theme that is brilliant, simple, and profound. People will immediately dismiss it because it is a "superhero movie." It is much, much more than that. It was brilliantly shot, acted, written, directed and produced.

We saw it in IMAX and if you have access to an IMAX theater...GO!!! We have perfect seats and the first 5 minutes it felt like I was sucked into the scenery, and observer of a real life epic. I remember the movie "Dreamscape" and if you saw it...I felt like Dennis Quaid when he would enter patients dreams...a voyeur surrounded by a tale...powerless to stop...not that I would have wanted to.

Of course the 600lb elephant is Heath Ledger...watching his performance and knowing that he is dead made every brilliant second he was on the screen that much more chilling. Ledger's performance easily goes down as the best comic villain portrayed on the large screen. The comic genius of Jack Nicholson's Joker is easily...easily...forgotten the first time Ledger appears on the screen. They may be the same character, but they are as far from each other as they could possible be. Ledger did the smart thing, he played it like he wasn't wearing the make up or the suit...he was just a fucked up guy who wanted to hurt the world. That's it. Any pain he could cause was for sport and for fun...his own fun. If you strip away the make up, and Batman's mask, the story would still work...it has worked in other films. Add the "superhero" stuff and it is actually and addition to the story the way it is done here. Not like Spiderman 3 where everything was bad.

Very few things were not good about this film. Maggie Gyllenhaal is the love interest, but she is not attractive and not that good of an actress in it. And here is one critique probably not said about an almost 3 hour movie...but I could have seen more. I would have liked to have seen more. I think some parts were rushed when they shouldn't have been...but time constraints for a theatrical release required it. Other than that is was perfect. Best picture of the year for sure.

See it, and see it in Imax if you can.

One thing about IMAX...it is such an amazing viewing experience that it really does ruin you for non-IMAX movies. The size, the clarity, the sound...it is just leaps and bounds above the regular movie theater movies.

The Gain of Loss

I usually start these stupid glimpses into my stupid mind with a topic...today is more of the same. It is interesting when you keep your eyes open for patterns you will find them...if they are there or not...but if you look...you will see them...real or not. This week I was constantly reminded of the idea of loss and gain, gain and loss, the gain of loss and the loss of all we have gained. I imagine that most weeks of most peoples lives the same theme runs through their day to day experiences. Sometimes we notice if they are big enough...Katrina...or if they are personal enough. I am not sure what initially brought it to my attention...or if it is every truly far my conscious thoughts. I know that it is something that intrigues me.

I am not sure if I listed all of the experiences, stories, and thoughts of loss and gain it would make much sense to anyone else...but I will highlight just a few. In the last few weeks I gained a job...lost a place to live...probably lost a friend...gained perspective and gained some much needed independence. I have watched someone gain someone...but lost their identity and lost all of the things that ones mattered to them. I saw someone lose something very valuable to them, and I watched a few people gain a second chance...a lifeline in these hard times. I heard someone lose they trusted...I heard someone lose a piece of their soul...I heard them not care.

Everywhere around me for the last few weeks it has been the living breathing zero sum game. Maybe I was sensitive to it because I was in a position of several large losses recently...and several very large gains. The general ups and downs of life exaggerated for someone as thick as I am. There is a loss way to look at this and a gain way to think of this...the loss way is to be frustrated at the constant up and down of life...the moment you find equilibrium life comes and fucks it all up. The gain way is to think that there is a natural balancing act in life...as bad as it can be...as difficult as times may get...there is that equilibrium that comes...the good times come back...loss can be a gain...loss allows for other types of gains...life eventually rights itself...it may take time...it may not right itself the way you want or when you want...but that is the beauty. The unexpected direction life takes...new avenues...new people...new thoughts...new moments...none of this is original or even much different than some things I have written previously...it is just on my mind. It makes me think of Candide...


Random Ramblings...

- I am constantly impressed with someone who has a complete expertise in a subject. Someone who can identify real art from forgeries...detect different types of woods on sight...appraise antiques...restore books...identify different types of plants...etc. To be an expert, truly and expert in one field, to have that kind of knowledge impresses me.

- Albuquerque looks like a good town...very colorful at night...which surprised me. If I knew that we would have spent the night on our trek west....which brings me to something...

- I want to say once and for all I hate the fucking USA network. Every fucking show is exactly the fucking same with exactly the same fucking characters. Every show is a seriocomedy. Every show has some quarky lead character and their equally quarky supporting cast. The shows are light on story, all wrap up in the last 5 minutes and take no fucking brain power to figure out. Some exec at USA is a huge Agatha Christie fan...because that is what these shows pattern themselves after. The most frustrating show is Burn Notice...it has such a great fucking premise...the only premise of a TV show I wish I thought of...but it is done in such a PG way that it waters down any potential drama or intrigue the script my try to create...albeit in a childish way. If Burn Notice was on FX it would be the best fucking show on TV...but USA is content making a bunch of shows that are too immature to appeal to adults and too adult to appeal to kids. I just can't figure out who they are marketing these shows to...and the worst is In Plain Sight. Train wreck.

- To go along with my new job...I have decided...well...it was kind of decided for me...sort of...kind of...to move into a place on my own...something I am very, very excited about. I have only lived by myself for one year in Australia...and even then I had a...well...part time roommate for about 6 of those months. I am sure this is going to be good for me. I need my own place, start accumulating furniture...and stop living two steps above a college student...even though I like living this way. Still, moving on my own is a good thing...a very good thing. this plan could change...but I highly doubt it. Lost a roommate...gained some independence...and that can never be a bad thing.

- Spain...glorious Spain...home of the long lunch and the longer party...has won the Euro 2008 and I would like to say...and Babbles McPigman, Ex-CPO can verify...I called them as the winner from virtually the beginning. You will read it here first...Spain will win the World Cup. Great young team and they have more people than they can even put on the squad. Fast, young, and full of energy...if they play with confidence no one can beat them.

- This year...after winning the Fantasy Football league as a co-GM...and the architect of the championship season...I am again...again...branching out on my own. Lost a GM...gained freedom. I am also holding tough in my Fantasy Baseball...I am in the money...but now I lost two guys to the DL in two days and one more might be going on it soon.

One day in retrospect the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful. - Sigmund Freud

The Return of the Mediocre

Last night, for the first time in months, I sat down to write...and I can't tell you how much better I feel...but it got me to thinking.

When i first started writing these books I wrote because i had a burning desire....something that could not be stopped. It was like knowing you need to pull the bullet lodged in your chest out as soon as possible...if not you would die. It hurt like hell, it was enough to make you laugh at the absurdity and cry at the pain...still...the whole time...the WHOLE time...you knew it needed to be done, you knew it would all be better when it was over.

Then i went through a terrible period where the pressure of prospective publishing, the dire specter of no one reading my magnificent masterpiece...boy those were some deluded times...really sucked every bit of joy I had out the process itself. One that I had come to love...and ultimately...need.

I then drug myself through the horrible...horrible is such an understatement...process of editing. Editing. To those of you who edit...I salute you. It is an art that my puny brain cannot comprehend. I am lost, totally lost in that world. I have written enough on that topic.

I finally slapped myself silly and got a grip on reality. Publishing no longer mattered, and book 4 became a great joy...not the same as the first three...I don't know if I can go back to that purity again...but I really find comfort in the act of writing.

Then...and I am not sure why it has now become an extension of my mental state and I fucking hate it. I can't understand how the hell it happened...and I hate it. I lock up sometimes, and I am not sure why. Well, I don't like it. I am not accepting it. I am going to write more, especially when I don't feel like i want to...because last night was a great release for me. I stayed up until 4am...and I could have gone on all night.

I do know how book 4 will end, and I think I have the outline for the last book...thank God!

To things more interesting:

- The Lookout. I saw it again and if you haven't seen it...it is a fucking good movie. Unexpectedly so.
- I saw Little Miss Sunshine again...for those of you who have seen it...I still laugh harder at Olive's routine than any one scene I have ever seen.
- Arsenal is in a major state of flux...it all looks looks good, but who knows. Ramsay signed today, and Nasari will sign after Euro 2008.
- The Las Vegas heat is coming. 105 today. That isn't too hot...but it means that 115 is coming soon. The bad part is that I can't go hiking until September or October. Shit, you can't do much when it is 115.
- I will be moving at the end of July into my friends condo. A upgrade from this place. This place looked nice, the price was right...and I swear to God they bait and switched us. There is no way this apartment was the one they showed us. Fuckers. Plus, every asshole in Clark County has moved in right near our apartment.
- Crest Pro Health...the best.
- Who the fuck can vote for McCain after the George Bush bullshit he preaches??

- 4.50 a gallon of gas. We could built the nuclear bomb from theory in less than 20 years...but we can't build a car that doesn't run on gas?? Bullshit. At this point getting off of foreign oil isn't just good sense...it is a matter of national security. If you want look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Motors_EV1 and watch "Who Killed The Electric Car." It will make you sick. The bottom part of the Wikipedia page has a great review of the movie and the debate over what happened. It is sad to see that the people have no power anymore. I am not some eco nut, i don't belong or support PETA, I believe in big business...but I also believe that corruption is so ingraned in the USA that it is sick. Think of this...if all of the oil companies are making record profit, and prices are soaring...and people are pissed...you are telling me that one company would cut their prices 50 cents a gallon, make half the profit...but gain a HUGE percentage of the market share and sell more gas...maybe put his competitors out of business. I am the first one to think of this?? No...it is corporate price collusion. They are gouging us, during war time...which I thought was treason? I guess it is only treason is a small business person does it...not an entire industry.

Oh well....welcome to Oblivion...strap in, turn on MTV, distract your mind and enjoy the ride...


It is good to dream, but it is better to dream and work. Faith is mighty, but action with faith is mightier. - Thomas Robert Gaines

After several inquiries to why i have been silent recently...I figured I will type something...it could be two sentences it could be the insane ramblings of an insane rambler...but here we go...and for some reason I am listening to Skid Row's Slave To The Grind...what the fuck...
that has to tell you that my life is in a weird place full of self-flagellation, mediocrity and the lack of desire for anything of quality...
anyway...

There is a lot i want to say, that i am screaming to say...but i know that if i get into it I won't really explain my situation so it will be a really lame...more lame than most...series of veiled references and innuendos that I won't explain anytime soon...so I will just avoid it all...

I will just list the mundane and call it a night...

after last nights...fuck it...i have nothing to say.I have always prided myself on being brutally...if not pathetically honest in this thing, i use it as a cathartic experience...and since i only write these for friends now I feel like i can say more than normal...but not this time.

I will just leave it at this...everything in my life is at a complete and total standstill. I can't write. I can't think straight. The pressure is starting to build and i don't have any way to really release it. Writing has been it but I am so fucking pissed, frustrated...pained...that I just can't let myself open up because I know once i do i am going to fucking really let loose...and i would rather just stay closed off and rational right now. It seems better than artistic...which gets me...in the great tradition of shitty no talent artist types...into really really stupid trouble. If i can just keep everything bottled up inside i will be be able to keep reliving every fucking moment until finally some clarity...or explosive psychosis...takes place. When i start to write i start to open up and when i open up...it isn't always good. This way i can just hold it in and hope for the best.

I doubt i will ever explain any of this...but whatever...life sucks and everyone has their own shit. I don't think you will feel incomplete without it...

indurate \IN-dur-it; -dyur-\, adjective:

1. Physically or morally hardened; unfeeling; stubborn.
2. To make hard; to harden.
3. To harden against; to make hardy; to habituate.
4. To make hardened; to make callous or stubborn.
5. To establish; to fix firmly.
6. To grow hard; to harden.
7. To become established or fixed.

It's important to have in mind that evil is essential to the order of the world and the birth of the good. - Voltaire