Clearing The Arteries

On this Saturday night I have decided to blog. Some interesting things have happened...to me... both in the mater of it being interesting and to whom it happened. Now sure I just used "whom" correctly, but fuck it. Stick with this I think it gets better.

First, I have a new housemate. My friend Karl has join the Weber casa, and my old roomate Dave departed. I had two blissful months to myself and that was wonderful. Now Karl is here and it is going to be good. We have a lot in common and I think this is going to be a good temporary partnership in strictly the most heterosexual of terms.

Second, I left my last job, for many reasons and I have been living the Vegas life for about two months. Depleting my savings, using unemployment and playing poker...and let me tell you this...it has been the greatest respite of my life. I didn't tell anyone earlier, but between no flatmate and no job I was really able to invest in a little me time...to put it in the gayest way possible...but it is true. I really needed some time to explore some things. When I started I wasn't sure what it was that I needed to think about, but I knew that there was something not right. Something askew. I tried like hell to think about it, write about it, and examine the thoughts that came from it, but to no avail. I can't say that I have fully examined every speck of my soul and found all the secrets of what it is to be me, but I will say that this cathartic time-out from life was exactly what the doctor ordered...Dr. Mengele...but still it was a doctor.

Since my writing went well recently, especially today, and I am in a particularly truthful mood I do want to share one of the things that I learned, but I am going to keep it as shrouded as possible as to protect the innocent and the guilty alike...this revelation came to me mostly a while ago...but an inconsequential event and my TIVO made me think about it a little while ago...so...here it goes...

When I was in my youth I dated someone for a long time. This relationship was tumultuous and stormy to put it mildly...bat shit fucking crazy would be more apt. Well, long after the mutual insane hurtfest ended I reconnected, in a way, with this woman. We were able to express our side of the relationship in a very open and frank way...to ABSOLUTELY no better understanding of each others position...I was as guilty as not being able or willing to understand as she was.
What I thought was just a minor issue turned out to be a major sticking point to my lack of appreciation for the situation, which I didn't fully understand at the time. She used to repeatedly tell me that she never loved me, not ever, during the course of our unholy union. For some reason, despite all the pain, suffering, misery, stupidity, lies, deceit and game playing, I really truly believed she loved me. Chuckle all you want, but it is true. There are several obvious reasons that I wanted to believe it...the time we spent together, vanity, ego, and the sincere belief that she told me just ONE THING that was true and honest and sweet during our hellacious bunchalliance (I like that word.) Also, I truely believed that the reason she told me that was because she wanted to hurt me, it was her way of trying to dig at me.
A while ago I came to a true moment of clarity. Something triggered in my head listening to an argument between an equally stupid couple. At that moment when we were talking later at a bar and he was complaining...I heard my voice and it scared the shit out of me. I had said a million time to her and to others that she never really loved me and she never really liked me. Still, when she said it to me, I didn't want to believe it...the infamous Weber ego reared its bulbous bus head. At that moment, in that bar, drinking an ice cold Blue Moon (great beer), I had an epiphany...that moment of true clarity. I understood....
...she never did really love me. She never did really like me. She was being honest with me and I ALWAYS knew it...and that honesty caused me to act out in stupid ways with her. Stupid, self-destructive ways. I was hurt, I didn't know it, I wanted her to hurt, I didn't know it...I was embarassed and humiliated, I wanted her to be embarassed and humiliated and I NEVER KNEW IT! I NEVER FELT IT! I NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT!! Sitting in that bar I felt like I was going to laugh, cry, throw up, jump for joy...I was all over the place in my mind. The next morning I saw more. I never loved her either. I never liked her either. When we met I was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hurting from a relationship I had prior. Over a year prior, but I was wrapped in angst and guilt and I was unable to let go. When I met this girl, I saw she was lost, I saw she was broken...and I was stupid, arrogant and conceited enough to think I could help her, I could save her, I could fix her. I didn't understand the most basic thing to life...YOU CANNOT FIX SOMEONE ELSE!!!! THEY MUST FIX THEMSELVES AND YOU MUST FIX YOURSELF!!
In this girl I saw a way to make up for the wrongs I had committed and prove to myself that I wasn't the total worthless fucking asshole that I was feeling with every ounce of my being. I was in a midst of a depression and self-loathing that I covered with arrogance and bravado. I was NOT in a place to fix anyone even if it could be done. I was a raging mess inside. I never loved her, I saw her as a way to make me whole, and I stayed with it because I quit my last relationship without a fight, thought i did the honorable thing and fell on my sword, and was ushered out the door...ALL by design. This time I was NOT going to do that. I was going to stick with this. I was going to stay in this WAY PAST THE POINT OF ABSURDITY! Which I regrettably for both sides did. I didn't like her, I flat out hated her fucking guts 99% of the time and never, ever felt comfortable with her because of her highly bi-polar state. So it was always an extreme high or an extreme depression, and it always kept me off balance.
Here is the part I want to get across, because I think this is the most important thing. NEITHER OF US WAS RIGHT! NEITHER OF US WAS WRONG! One was good while the other was bad! One was not better or worse than the other! We were totally incompatible from the SECOND we met, and if either one of us was a healthy, complete, whole human being we would have run fucking screaming from the other one like our hair was on fire! I blamed her for everything. She blamed me for everything. We hated each other. We tortured each other and LOVED doing it. Our internal misery and the desire to unleash that on another human being was the only tie that binded us together.
To my most recent insight which completed the picture for me...and stay with the stupid beginning. I LOVE the show Cheers. Tivo has brought that back to me and I watch it religiously. "You get 25 in the city?"...is one of the greatest lines ever. I digress. The first 5 years is the relationship between Sam and Diane. Two polar opposites with their own baggage who delight in making the other one miserable and living in that misery together...because of their own inner bullshit. Watching the show I realized something i didn't understand when I was 12...Sam wasn't wrong. Diane wasn't wrong. Sam and Diane was wrong.
That silly show got me to really think, and it really released my anger, my issues with her...not that I am saying that I want thing one to do with her as long as I may live, because we are so different...but I am over it. I have accepted my role in it...and i have accepted that if I was not participating there would have been no "us." That weight off my shoulders, off my soul, off my brain has been truly and utterly remarkable. I don't hate her anymore. I don't hate me anymore...for that episode at least. I don't feel an ounce of resentment and I don't feel an ounce of regret the way I did for so long. I used to curse the day I met her. Now, I don't. She wasn't wrong. I wasn't wrong. We were both NOT right. We were both not right for each other. That's it.
Dunno if this helped at all for anyone. I hope you are all a lot smarter than I am. I will say one thing to her, even though she isn't going to read this...thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you never told me what you told me, that you never loved me for a minute...I wouldn't have been able to work through my biggest problem...pride. Pride comes before the fall, they say. Well, hopefully this lesson will keep me from falling quite as much. I do thank you, and if you said it to hurt me or said it because it was the truth it doesn't matter. We must own our own feelings and I have finally owned mine.

CAUTION: TO THOSE WHO KNOW ME I AM SURE YOU THINK THIS DESCRIBES SOMEONE YOU KNOW! IT VERY WELL MAY NOT!!!!!! SO DO NOT JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS!! I AM OBVIOUSLY STUPID ENOUGH TO HAVE MULTIPLE SHITTY RELATIONSHIPS!!!! THANK YOU!

(P.S. Arsenal won the Amsterdam cup!!)

Love is patient, love is kind; it does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.