Because I know a pimp...

...I was able to see two movies this week for free. So here is my view from the retarded isle...

1) Live Free or Die Hard - I went into this movie with absolutely no expectations whatsoever...if it sucked...who cares...but if it was good...great. Well, for 90% of the movie it was excellent, and I mean EXCELLENT! Now I will qualify "excellent" as a great mindless summer action movie. To put it in better perspective I thought that Die Hard 2 was horrible and Die Hard 3 was virtually unwatchable. This installment of Die Hard was more like the first one. Very good story (if you don't think too hard), excellent action, good acting, good humor. Two big problems:
a) The ending almost ruins the movie. I won't blow it for you...but F-15 vs. John McClain in an 18 wheeler...and the truck wins. What the fuck???
b) The story with his daughter was a little flimsy.
All in all, if you want to go see a good old fashioned 80's style summer adult action film...this is a good one...now...for a bad one...

2) Transformers - As a child of the 80's...I LOVED the Transformers. From a child all the way into High School...many a great afternoon, later on usually high with my cousin Rich, I watched the Transformers. The Decepticons vs. Autobots was a fucking great storyline. Even in cartoons the show and the storyline was rather dark. Megatron. Optimus Prime. Bonecrusher. Bumble Bee. Fucking great times. I know what you are thinking...Transformers + CGI = Thy name is Heaven...only if your idea of Heaven is really, really, really, low.
The movie is shit. For many reasons...such as:
a) First and foremost the movie doesn't know what it wants to be. Does it want to be a kids movie or a movie for us 30 year olds who watched the show as a kid? It is conflicted and it really hurts the film. One one hand they say "shit" a few times and they have a girl who is so hot it makes a straight man's brain boil running around in cute little outfits. On the other hand, the violence is boring cartoonish type violence, the story line is light and fluffy, and there are too many characters brought in for comic relief and just seem idiotic, not funny.
b) Again, the characters. They turn the Secretary of Defense into a buffoon. They have a top secret government agent (played by the great John Turturro), who was a fucking idiot...not funny, not interesting, not necessary to the plot, and was a TOTAL FUCKING JACKASS! It was a piss poor attempt at levity and wackiness to appeal to kids. It made no sense and was just ridiculous.
c) All of the Decepticons get killed way too easy. The movie negates the power of Megatron..not to get all Star Wars geek on you...but I am blogging so how cool can I be...but Megatron was a fucking bad ass in the cartoon and the movie he was a big giant bitch.
d) The action was boring. I turned to my friend in the middle and said..."is it just me or is this boring..." It was too light and fluffy. It was Superman 2 type violence.
e) One last point about the story. Superman Returns, Batman Begins, and all the Spiderman movies have ushered in an age of taking comic books seriously in films. It is the reason why Fantastic 4 doesn't work...it is too childish. This is the same problem. It is designed for kids...and it doesn't work. One comic book movie, Batman with Jack Nicholson and Michael Keaton walked that edge between cartoonish and dark...but that is the rare exception...look at the rest of the horrible Batman movies...it can't be replicated.

There is one plus. The two female leads of the Transformers are RIDICULOUSLY hot. Holy shit are they amazing. Two of the most beautiful women I have seen in a long time. Also, the budding romantic story worked better than the action part...which is HORRIBLE to say about an action movie.

More...

Good news...the new title for my first book...IS AVAILABLE!!! I am so thrilled I can't begin to explain it. I know have a title for 2 of the 4 books. Which makes me so happy I can't describe it. This is a good thing...a great thing.

My last blog garnered me a lot of responses. Funny responses and I thank you for that. Too funny. I was half out of my mind when I wrote it, and I am glad that I did. It was so bizarre because I don't remember virtually any of my dreams, but that was so fucking clear. I will announce to everyone, I will not tell anyone who X was in my dream...it doesn't really matter. The story was the most important thing. Thank you all for the messages...some wild stuff.

I fly off to Nashville for a couple days this week. Looking forward to it. Beer always tastes a little better on vacation. Country music makes me physically sick.

Celebrated the 4th of July in style...the birth of this wonderful country was consecrated with the SICKEST backyard fireworks show I have ever seen. The whole neighborhood was blocked off...kegs...12 different grills making different food...fun...friends...and great fireworks. It was one of the best Independence Day's ever.

July 5th I cursed the day everything was born...the country, me, Ethel Merman...never mind...but my hangover...as monumental as it was...really was worth it. A lot of strange events I am not going to type here...but I will say this to one of you who are reading this...I know you are pissed...but it is all your fault and if she is upset about me giving her a fake number...you deal with it...just tell her I was still drunk. I only wanted a ride home...that was it...

Oh, Arsenal Gunners...life without Henry starts this season...but the great Arsen Wenger singed Eduardo da Silva...another brilliant off the radar signing. Reports are Wenger will resign this week, and we will get some help in the right/centerback position. Need to make some free money, bet right now that Arsenal is in the top 3 of the premiership.


Knowing sorrow well, I learn to succor the distressed. - Virgil